Small Brit-flick about a young knobber who crashes his step dad's car then gets asked to cut up a violent Latvian as part payment for the wrecked Merc.
The final twenty minutes lose some steam, but the first hour is very good, highlights include a fantastic woodland corpse disposal scene which is (intentionally) funnier than any comedies I've seen for a while, and a mint condition Mark 2 Ford Granada (2.8 V6 Auto, for any other tedious vintage car idiots like me out there.)
Peter Mullan and Kierston Wareing do their usual angrygrowlyman/boobybrasslady characters, but they do 'em well, Jack O'Connell as the youngster is excellent.
The first film was actually a fairly decent effort. The sequel sees the evil killer get his own place and upgrade his evil doing to an abandoned hotel (which has electricity and potentially a maid still nipping in). There are some genuine "brrr" moments of cringey gore but also some ludicrous moments of a conveniently forgotten broken arm and scientific inaccuracies.
Saw this a couple of years ago and thought it was a bit rubbish. It's still a bit rubbish. A London couple move to an unnecessarily large house in the country. Some odd stuff happens and we don't know (nor indeed particularly care) if the cause is something supernatural, the creepy groundsman or the wife's history of mental wibbiliness flaring up again.
The leading thread of the main bloke's imdb message board is entitled "My god what a shocking actor". 'Nuff said.
Eight people get together to do a 'Couple's Brunch'. If that alone doesn't make you want to kick their limbs off, then watching the film probably will.
The fucking smugness of it is almost unbearable. Imagine eight people with self-absorption at Woody Allen levels, but unlike Mr. Daughterwife, they give a fuck what they look like. Truly horrid, whiny, white American cunts.
Eventually, after spending ages establishing the cast as some of history's most tedious wankers, the main plot bit happens. Lots of dirty bombs going off in America. Lols, etc. Anyway, they slowly start to realise they're probably a bit fucked. issues get resolved in the face of annihilation and other such pissy yank shit.
The final fifteen minutes are actually good. If the first 70 minutes were condensed into five (which could easily be done) then this could be a good short film. As it is, it's a predictable relationship drama with an occasional good line, dipped in a veneer of fake, pseudo-hipster quirkiness.
Any actual UFO activity takes place a distant second to the blathering moronics of the bimbletit characters. The far greater focus is watching these idiots bicker about shit and struggling with the acting basics (y'know, like using your face appropriately). A couple of interesting moments can't blanket its overall shitness. A shame as the writer/director's last film, Airborne, was kinda fun.
One of the character's called Spunkmeyer. The original choices of Jizzsmith and Cumgold were considered too silly.
Filmed mostly in west London. Coulda saved a fortune on set design by filming in Croydon.
Years ago there was an Aliens themed interactive attraction in Trocadero in London. A guy I knew went on it. There was a part where you're in a lift with a few marines and they enacted a variation on the "Eat this" scene. The actor playing one of the grunts had to break character to tell the drunk guy in the corner to stop pissing in the lift.
If I was a Geordie talking about this film, I'd probably say:
"Reet, it's this fillum where some bonny lass and her nipper move ento a reet nice toonhouse but here's some nutty ghost burd livin' in their cupboard, like. Visually canny, but slow and eventually quite boring. At naw point are there any tits oot for the lads. Why aye etc."
Excellent low budget film about a college lecturer who, during his leaving do, tells his colleagues that he's 14,000 years old. What a fucking Tory poster boy, working that far beyond retirement, eh?
Anyway, his workmates are doubtful, y'know, being sane academic types, but slowly start to question their own assumptions as his story seems more and more plausible. There is a twist, of sorts, as the man claims to be a fairly significant figure from history...
Low budget, well acted, intelligent, great script and funny. There's a final moments reveal which seems a little tacked-on, but that's a small niggle in an otherwise excellent film.
Back in my day, we lived under the constant threat of nuclear annihilation. That and the very real risk of being abducted by the IRA. Anyway, this film is about the commies dropping the big one on the septics and 'ow one family deals with it.
I took the 'trouble', Victoria, to see it at the flicks and we both agreed that, whilst the performances were all impressive, it didn't 'ave the shit-yer-strides clout of Threads which was released the next year.
Y'see, the problem with the yanks is, they've got no balls. This film shows the effect of the apocalypse on one clan and is a bit fackin' lovey-dovey with all that faahmily values shit they love over there, whereas Threads' main message was if you're unlucky enough to live through it, within a few months, you'll be vomiting blood, half dead, selling your body in exchange for a dead rat and 'oping that the child yer carrying won't live long enough to suffer the life you can offer.
A film made up of two separate stories, one written by Stephen King, the other by Clive Barker. Whose name is Clive. Ha ha! Clive.
The connection between the two is Christopher Lloyd's character (sort of like a 60yr old emo looking fella) who introduces the stories to people who are then affected by the tales in a pair of predictable twists.
Camp as a sequinned bum-cuddle and pretty good fun.
Bit of an unknown film which is surprising as it's pretty good and its leads Thomas Jane and Aaron Eckhart (who are the same person) have gone on to bigger things. Ex-crim turned good Jane (or is it Eckhart?) has his ex-partner in crime Eckhart (or Jane) turn up and trouble ensues.
Are you fucking joking me? This fucking terrible fucking three hour fucking cartoon for idiots is the most profitable fucking film in fucking history? Well, fucking fuck fucking me!
This fucking dogshit, overly simplistic chunk of arse plays out like a mid-nineties video game cut-scene, but one that's actually more predictable than sunrise.
Sam Worthington, Australia's least rewarding export since Fosters, plays Trundle McBlankcanvas who decides to become a large blue homosexual on the Ewok planet and fall in love with a pathetically anthropomorphic tree-hippy. They talk Puffin book romance for ten minutes and he decides to adopt their etc. Etc. Etc. Big fight at the end led by Colonel Nasty and his platoon of cunting cliches.
But you probably knew all that as it would appear that until tonight, I was the only human who hadn't seen this fucking animated placenta.
Right, now, you could argue that this film is making a comment on American foreign policy, bollocks to that. The actions of those cunts (the policy makers, not all Americans) speak for themselves, if thousands and thousands of dead people isn't enough to create an eternity of regret, then this neon coloured spunk puddle isn't going to make a shit of difference. There's nursery rhymes with greater emotional resonance.
The animation looks crap.
The physics are terrible, some seriously poor motion.
The story is pop-up book basic.
The acting is utterly YouTube.
The weaponry?! For fuck's sake, bi-pedal mech suits that carry knives? Attack crafts with open gunning positions? Rota powered war ships?
James Cameron may have created one of my all time favourite films, 29 years ago, but pretty much everything he's done since suggests to me that he's money chasing hack who these days wouldn't recognise creativity or a good idea if they took turns fucking him up the arse for a week.
Although that would probably be far more enjoyable than having to sit through this torturous mud-biscuit ever again.
2008: The near complete film passing through the edit suite.
Surprisingly not that terrible remake of the Arnie "classic". A different spin on the original in that it's not a frame for frame rehash (no Mars but instead all that's left of the future world is western Europe and Austrasia connected through a highspeed link through the centre of the Earth). Still has the three titted woman though. Hurrah!
Sadly not a film about a muffin. Instead it's some western effort that seems to be a revenge story. It breaks up the traditional stuff by having ten minute long animated parts that shit on about snakes and swirly plant things or some-such bollocks. Dunno, I ate my dinner half way through it and was more distracted by the pasta than the film.
Silly nonsense about a private eye with an affinity for strange/supernatural cases who's hired to look into some stuff. There's a magician who's a former cult member that left him with genuine powers. The former leader of the cult was a right wrong 'un, he kept hostages, a small collection of nutbag followers and the occasional baboon.
Fifteen years before the events in the film, some breakaway nutbags realised their leader was a bit of dubious sort, so they put a metal hat on him and shot him a few times before burying him. Now a few of them are worried that he's gonna pop outta the ground and do spells and stuff.
Some of the film's shite, big holes in logic, and some dodgy performances, but for a low budget horror it has some good visuals, a decent story and hints at interesting back stories, esp. Bakula's who's character Harry D'Amour is apparently a recurring fella in some of Clive Barker's books (Barker wrote and directed this)
The private eye is played by Scott Bakula, it was amusing seeing Mr Quantum Leap swearing.
Talking of Clive Barker, I'm really hoping the Cabal Cut of Nightbreed actually comes out soon, flippin' love that film and it'd be great to see the missing hour or so reinserted.
Not-as-classic-as-you-might-remember 80s comedy which features the unlikely partnership between cop Nick Nolte and crim Eddie "Mono Character" Murphy. It hasn't dated badly; it probably just wasn't that funny in the first place. Dexter and Breaking Bad fans may be interested to see Dexter's Dad and Mike respectively in their younger days!