A young lady picks up
a hitchhiker, together they crash her car. Even worse, he's a bit funny in the
head. Due to being stuck in the upturned car, the woman eats a rat in
desperation. Personally I would've checked the glove box for some Polos first.
Low budget twaddle
about some people trying to kill some other people and some lady stuck in the
middle of it all who confuses the plot. Tom Sizemore is in this. I remember
when he was in proper films. He spends a lot of this one sitting in plastic
garden furniture. It's possibly what he received in payment for his role.
The main martial arts
bloke seems to have the moves and know what he's doing, even though he also
looks a bit like a supply teacher in a vest slapping goons.
Michael Douglas plays
a man with enough money to pay for every whim that tickles him. He goes hunting
for an elk or something out of season with a hunting pass (obviously a real
thing. He probably keeps it next to his bus pass) that's apparently hard to get
He drops a bollock by
accidentally shooting some old fella and it all goes arse-shaped very quickly.
entertaining enough, but the end is total bibble and should just shut up and
stop being so silly.
The film where Johnny
Depp has to have a ton of make up to play a man roughly the same age as
himself. Flippin' child face.
It's getting lots
critics excited even though it's dull as a tree. I think there's some thing
going on where if an A-list actor pretends to be working class, it triggers a
Pavlovian wanking device and anyone who's paid to tap out opinions on films
rushes to join the wordkakke.
It's boring and, even
worse, does its best to humanise the story of a right cunt.
We watched this three
weeks ago, memory's already a bit vague on it. That was the whole reason we
started this nonsense is to try and remember the vast number of films we watch.
In years to come,
when time has powdered my joints and beflopped my tassle, that I shall be able
to look back on the many, many thousands of hours I've wasted watching shit
films and think "Yes, my contribution to this world is almost notable in its underachievement and lack of universal benefit to
humankind. However, I did spend many years watching crap films and making cock
jokes on the internet."
I will then expire in
a damp squib of beige indifference, the world will pause for the briefest of
moments to offer a collective shrug of indifference and the prophecy will be
Yeah, from what I
recall, this was actually a half decent play on the zombie/infection thing with
a bit of sci-fi mind-hopping type stuff also going on.
New kid in town is befriended by an older neighbour (but not in a Savile way) with an interesting past. Highly enjoyable and touching (again, not in a Savile way) film with great performances particularly by Mickey Rourke, Nat Wolff and Sarah Silverman.
A brief one tonight as we are getting ready to move to a new Plop Towers tomorrow. As a result we're going to be offline until later this month until the inteyweb is plumbed in at the new gaff. Laters peeps.
Steven Segal film that's so hilarishit, we're going to 'live plop' it.
This is the masterpiece in question:
Update 1: Breaking into a house for an unknown reason, Stevey does a pointless roly-poly into an empty room, then squints to look around. Like a clumsy, overweight cat or something.
Update 2: Steve briefly speaks Thai. He squeezes his face into an odd shape and sounds strangely like Eric Cartman.
Note: This was just before Stevey started becoming rather, ahem, 'portly'. The title is not related to his waistline.
Commercial break, more soon.
Update 3: For got to mention, also at the start. Steve slides across the floor like a circular superman. It were ace.
Update 4: Steve's gone to a restaurant in his pyjamas. They're blue.
Update 5: Outrageous slow motion shoot out in an abandoned train yard apparently involving every person in Thailand who happens to own a gun. The evil crime boss lady breezes through the centre of it (wearing a strapless cocktail dress) and escapes without a hair out of place in a chauffeur driven Jaguar (the car not the mammal although that couldn't have made it any less plausible).
Update 6: Unpleasant sex scene between Steve and a Thai lady. Fades to a sea shot before you see his torso or her penis.
Update 7: Been for a poo, desperately hoping I didn't miss any essential plot advancements.
Update 8: A picture of the great man deep in thought/looking like a satsuma:
Brings to mind the brilliant Barry Norman description of Steve as "A man who looks like he hasn't enjoyed a bowel movement in some time"
Update 9: Steve just punched a woman in the tit. Cad!
Update 10: Turns out it's a bloke. Thailand, eh?
Update 11: Steve just shot an arrow that was flying towards him. Yes.
Update 12: Steve's suffering from a voodoo style assault. Baddie should stick a pin in his appetite.
Update 13: Another golden face picture. Golden as in that's his colour, not, like, 'golden opportunity' or something considered perfect:
Update 14: Film's now finished, so that pretty much ties this up as well. An entirely pointless variation, 'plopping' a film live as no one really reads this shit at the best of times. Great film though.*
Incredibly indie film about a young fella, Mr Goob of the title, who lives in very rural Norfolk and how he spends a summer after leaving school.
It relies far too much on the slightly pretentious, hipster film thing of being much more interested in mood than story, as such the characters are a little too oblique and you observe them rather than relate to them.
Also, I got a bit cast-confused at one point and didn't know if the blonde woman Goob was talking to was his mum or sister.
Then, realising it's set in rural Norfolk, I figured he probably didn't know either as she may have been both.
Anyway, if you're into hipster films about stock car racing pumpkin farmer redneck folk, this one's for you.