I didn't watch this, Podd did. She's visiting
her dad, so I'll text her to see what score she thinks it deserves. Nope, too late, she's asleep. Documentary about the beehived warbler who twatted her life away on dizzypop and blisspipes. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2870648 Something/10
Ryan Reynolds' secret
agent gets killed so Gary Oldman decides to email his memories into Kevin
Costner's brain. But then, like a cunning leopard, Costner escapes into London
and starts punching van drivers.
Pretty sure this
turned up on Mark Kermode's list of worst films released so far this year, or possibly
some other professional film watcher. Yeah, it's total ballsack, but enjoyable
enough, and we've seen much worse.
And although I frequently find myself agreeing with Kermode, occasionally he can fuck off and take his pompous fucking sandwiches with him.
I'd never seen this
before. One of those films that everyone's heard of though.
Well, most people.
There's probably isolated tribes with no modern world contact who'd say
"'The fuck you talking about?" when you asked if they'd see that film
where the one armed guy beats up the bloke from Airwolf in the greasy spoon.
Although the language
barrier would be a nightmare. Could you imagine that though, if the career of Ernest Borgnine was the bridge between modernity and the hidden ways of the
Anyway, yeah, it's
pretty good. A bit stiff in that way that '50s films were, but I liked it.
The film opens where
most slasher flicks close, as the final victim of a masked loony's campsite
killing spree fights back and defeats him.
Some time later, the
survivor is getting her life back together with a job, a flat and slowly making
some new friends. Which is useful as the last time she saw her previous friends
they were all, like, nailed to trees an' shit.
Anyway, the young
lady begins to suspect that the killer has somehow found her and is after her
to finish the job.
Not too bad for a
film of its type, and being 'post event' gives it a little originality, however
the twist becomes increasingly obvious as it goes on to the point where I was
thinking "Nope, too obvious, surely it won't be that?"
Some soldiers are
trying to extract some hooded prisoners from some perilous hostile nation. Not
sure where this rogue state is, but it looks loads like an industrial estate in
the midlands. Stoke-On-Trentbania or somewhere.
Anyway, they're being
chased by some bullet proof creature of some kind, so they decide to take
shelter in an abandoned armoured vehicle.
Dunno, it's probably
alright, but I was really bored by the end.
Some hateful little
cunts go off to one of their island homes to have a party and take a new drug
that is suposedly a great high and makes you lose all self control. Things go
bollock shaped and people want to kill each other/bathe in cake/do shit
paintings and all other such decadent extremes.
Bit of a wasted plot
really. Open a newspaper, arseholes on nothing stronger than E-numbers do
whatever the fuck they want in this world anyway, pretty sure they don't need
any further stimulation.
Brosnan must have some bills to pay or something.
against type, George Clooney plays a smug man in a suit.
Jack O'Conell's great
talent feels a little wasted in this mediocre, but fun enough, effort and any
message about the immorality of global finance and shady investment deals is
lost in the pantomime portrayal of the big bad guy.
Someone decided it'd
be a good idea to cast the 5ft5", baby faced Daniel Radcliffe as an FBI
agent who goes undercover and infiltrates a white supremacist skinhead group.
In fairness, he does
a very good job in the role. The acting role that is, he doesn't win, like,
'Whitey of the Year' or 'The TV Times People's Aryan 2015' or some such.
Anyway, once in the
world of hate-mullets and pick-up trucks, he makes his way around various
circles of fuckwittery in search of some dirty bomb materials that have gone
missing and believed to be in the possession of some Trump voters and their
private investigator (Bruce. Probably.) gets hired to spy on a woman. Starts
off interestingly, but the attempt to gently ease in the sense of 'other', the
suggestion that factors outside the natural world are at play, doesn't quite
work. It has some similarities to Kill List in its pace, content and vibe, but
doesn't nail it in the way that film does.
as according to the Guardian's review of it, they claim it only cost $11000, so
it certainly does well for its money, but feels a little like noble-ish failure.
Elvis once met Nixon because he wanted to get a badge that would enable him to be 'federal agent at large, protecting people from the evils of drugs'.
Elvis, well known for his abstemious attitude towards drugs, or indeed any form of indulgence. Brings to mind other charitably inclined public figures who have associated themselves with causes close to their hearts...
Anyway, the film is speculation and a little pointless, but it's enjoyable and Kevin Spacey nails Nixon.
As in his performance, I wouldn't suggest that Mr Spacey enjoys... Well, never mind.
A habitual gambler is
caught in the spiral of debt and desperation that heavy betters always seem to
be in filmworld. One night he meets Ryan Reynolds character whose presence seems to have a positive effect on Ol' Gambly's luck.
We spent most of the
film thinking that Reynolds' was some kinda imaginary, Tyler Durden, wish
fulfillment persona, but he's not, he's an actual fleshperson.
They take a trip
together through the gambling states and end up taking their increasing luck
all the way to the big stakes tables...
lightweights, only last week Podd and I went to Brighton and we spent about £20
on the 2P coin shoves and ended up winning two keyring robots and a Pokemon
Yeah, beat that
Hollywood. We've stared into the abyss of gambling.
Then some more two
pence coins fell out of the abyss into the metal tray bit.
Nice slow burning, low budget horror that's like
a cross between The Thing and (the little seen, but pretty good) Wendigo. Relies more on decent acting and a
believable script than all the usual twaddle.
Silly but enjoyable nonsense about some science people who invent a wooden computer to look after America's nuclear arsenal.
Made mostly of wood and pipes, the machine quickly decides that mankind's biggest threat is mankind, so keep them all safe by threatening to kill everyone on the planet. Apparently the machine has to be obeyed as there's no way of turning it off. Some advice for high ranking civil defence folks:
A dad and his two
teenage daughters move to an isolated small town. Their timing's a bit rubbish
as soon after they arrive a viral zombie type bug turns most of the local
people into unsociable, bitey-folk. I do hate it when that happens.
Just thought of an
app. Rather than pay for some theme-day where you run around a disused
industrial estate avoiding actors dressed as zombies and using paintball guns
to make your way between safe points, why not have an app that when held up to
view a high street at chucking out time on a Friday, super-imposes flames on
the buildings, turns kebabs into brains and shit like that?
Almost everyone you
see on the streets will already be stumbling around, agressive and even likely
to bite you. Play it in Croydon you'll probably also get overturned cars and
people with shotguns for added authenticity.
Probably call it
Alcombies or Zombaholics or suchlike.
Fantastic, fun, low budget, daft horror film made for peanuts. Just the sorta thing we here at Plop Towers love watching.
Written and directed by Joe Begos who also done the cracking Almost Human: http://filmplop.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/260214-almost-human-2013.html
If you ask me, the horror genre, and films in general, need chaps like young Begos. People who won't let the lack of budget get in the way of telling a story, and doing so well.
Same goes for anyone who reads this, if you want the world to hear your voice, do it now. Don't wait for external endorsement, sponsorship or someone to hold your hand, it won't happen. You'll probably fail, but what do you wan't to say when your ticket's punched? You tried your best, or you thought about it a lot?
That film that made lots of grown ups think that Batman was something they should talk about with a straight face. Daft cunts.
Also, Christian Bale, if you ever read this, my ambition is to stand in your line of sight whilst you're doing all your big-boy acty nonsense. You utter fucking spastic. Pathetic spoilt child of a man.
When this was released critics described it as slow moving and pretentious. They had obviously never seen any other film made in the 1970s.
It's not slow moving and it's not pretentious. If anything, it's the opposite, the plot is small, easily understood and linear. The performances are good. The plot moves briskly and has few shallow moments.
And, if nothing else, the lightly customised Chevrolet stepside truck that Ryan O'Neill drives in the final third gave me the raging horn.
A young doctor on
holiday intervenes in the sexual assault of a young woman by giving the chap
responsible a hearty thrashing. Jolly good.
next day it turns out he might have beaten the fellow to death. Not wanting to
spend the rest of his life in prison he decides to leg it.
You've probably seen
numerous films where the plot sounds very similar to that, unlike most of them
this one is set in a recognisable world where people who find themselves out of
their depth are confused and struggling against the panic that threatens to
render them useless. There's no heroics, grand speeches, explosions or car
chases so common to other 'on the run' films. This one is just about a normal
guy who's act of decency has backfired in a terrible way and left him in a
fucked situation with minimal exits.
Also, Rossif Sutherland, who plays the doctor is 6ft 5" tall. We decided that really
tall people look funny when they're running.
A guy wakes up all
grumpy after a big nap and decides to kill the world after watching the TV and
realising the entire planet has turned into some kinda Centre Parcs for cunts.
Know how he feels.
Micky F. Assbender
does his serious face and the little Scottish one inherits his slap-top. Oscar
Isaac acts like a big blue twat. Quicksilver's rescue scene is a stand out moment,
hugely entertaining in a film that's otherwise 2.5 hours of arseache. The
Wolverine cameo is a big stack of bumholes.
Enough of that shit, let's have some music instead. Listen to this. The greatest band you've probably never heard of. If you disagree, fuck off.
The Evil Dead films
are a fine example of (for want of a less wanky phrase) artistic dilution. The
first one had a budget the size of a peanut, was made when people were
available to get away from their real lives for a night or two and used
inginueity and creativity to make a genuine classic of a horror film. One
that's fun, well paced, original and actually scary.
The second one was
essentially a remake of the first, but with slapstick comedy and clownish
performances replacing the edge of the first one. "Here's some money,
soften down all the things that made the original good so we can sell it to
more people. We're aiming for the 18-49 Fuckwit Demographic."
By time this third
film was made, the series had become some sorta cartoon for cretins.
Some evil space-egg
makes some kid kill his family, then, twenty years later, some other people.
Again, can't actually
remember too much about it. Don't matter though as I doubt many of you will
want to watch the shit we sit through. I should go outdoors more often. Look at
the trees and the sky rather than the idiot box. Plenty of time to watch films
when I'm too old to move, rather than being too lazy to bother.
A chap returns home
after going AWOL from the army and, in need of money, agrees to work for his
cousin's small-time criminal team.
Recently they stole
some vials of some kinda magic science potion that essentially turns people
into a fleshy Terminator. Wounds instantly heal and that sorta stuff. Anyway,
the shady boffins who invented this unlikely potion have decided they want it
back and they should murderkill all the thieves.
A bit like that shit
Bourne film, the one with the rumpled-face fella who isn't Matt Damon, but in
many ways better as that film was bumwash compared to the other three. Haven't
seen the new Bourne film yet, but I really hope it isn't shite.